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Diary Entries
June 30th, 2011 Hello everyone. I made a strange discovery today! I found a strange webpage, with some kind of details of an everlasting God that said to pray on human emotions... Rather scary I thought at first! After a while I read into it, and it almost makes a bit of sense. I felt a little chill up my spine while reading it... Some kind of invisible monster that feeds on human fear, how strange. Anyhow, I decided I'm going to make a forum or something based around this soon. Maybe a website too. I know a cool guy who helps with this kind of stuff, maybe he can help me setting it up. It'll be fun, at least! JJ July 3rd, 2011 I just can't take any of this anymore. All of this suffering, all of this existing. I wouldn't call this living. Not anymore. I've lived my time, I've done my worth, and for what? Nothing. Please, do not mourn me. I was just a passing wind in this life. I will right the wrongs that I have committed. I... have made some bad decisions in this life. I will right the wrongs that I have committed. I... have made some bad decisions in this life, but I have also tried to do some good, to no avail. I'm sorry to those I've hurt - The world. My family. My friends. I love you, but I must go. I shall set myself free. JJ July 7th, 2011 I feel... Much better now. Almost as if what I did cleansed my soul, even if I didn't achieve what I set out to accomplish. Maybe I should start from the beginning. I've been having suicidal tendencies for a while, but nothing like this. For the past couple of weeks I've just been descending into what seems to be miles of darkness. The darkness seems to be overwhelming me, taking away all of my emotions except negativity. All the hate, pain, suffering and fear seem to be exemplified and magnified to a thousand times what they were previously. I feel like there is something inside my mind, urging me towards what I tried to do. It's still there... Fainter now, but it's still there. Perhaps this medication will help. It was a dark morning. I had been up all night, shivering. I'm not sure why I was afraid, but I was so afraid. I was afraid that I would turn around and have a demon looking at me, staring a hole right through me with his bloodshot eyes. I'd scream, but no noise would come out. My mouth agape, he would walk slowly towards me, and place his massive maw over mine, like a lover would to kiss their partner. He would spew pints of blood down my throat, causing me to choke and drown on blood. I would only know it was blood from the dark red liquid spewing from the corners of my mouth and leaking onto my body as I'm frozen still in fear. I snap into reality and realize that hasn't happened yet. I wonder why this is happening to me, and why I deserve this. I had been a good person. I stare out of the window, then cough into my hand. I look at my hand - blood. I shiver and think back to the waking nightmare I just had. It almost seems to real to be true. I slip on a jacket and head out of the house, but I almost feel like I'm being followed. Watched. I step out onto the busy main street, a street busy even at 7 in the morning. I shiver and wish I wore something thicker, but then realize that it wouldn't make a difference for what I am about to do anyway. I pull my hood over my head and stare onto the road. Cars and vehicles of every kind are speeding up and down without any second thoughts. Getting on with their simple lives. I cough again into my hand and look at them. Blood. Soaked with blood. I see myself in the reflection of a window - Pale. Deathly. My eyes seem to be bloodshot and almost red themselves. Startled a little by my own appearance, I step back and bump into a woman. She looks at me, and I see fear in her eyes. She looked afraid of me. I was the one who should be afraid. I couldn't take it any longer, the buzzing in my ear was becoming unbearable. I waited until I saw the biggest vehicle on the street. A bus. A bus came hurtling down the street, around 65kpm. It seemed like an age as it came slowly down the street towards me, like I was standing on the edge of a cliff. I waited. And waited. Suddenly, it seemed like there was a hand on my shoulder, and a voice in my ear. The buzzing stopped, and it whispered something. I can't remember what it was. I jumped out and the bus hit me full on. Not the wisest choice of suicide methods I must admit, but I was desperate. I had to end it, at any cost, in the quickest manner possible. The pain was sharp and sudden, as I wanted. I was instantly knocked unconscious and flying off into what I think was some kind of post. My arm hit the post and shattered the bone completely. My neck and leg then hit the floor, damaging them in several places. If I wasn't already unconscious and lucky with the way I landed, I probably would have actually died. Looking back on it then, that's what I wanted. But now... I'm not so sure why I chose to do it. It's almost as if... I was forced to. and as I open my eyes, the light blinds me. It hurts to even look around at my surroundings. I try and squint to see through the haze, and I recognize some of my friends and relatives smiling down upon me. How long was I asleep for? I never really found out. I see a face talking to me. Their mouth is moving, but no words are coming out. All I can see are their eyes, staring at me. Eyes all around me, all staring at me. Questioning. I'm not sure whether I was glad to still be alive or not. The pain I was in was terrible. The light seemed to get brighter, so I laid back and thought about what happened, and as I did so, I noticed the buzzing in my ear was gone, or so it seemed. It was as if a weight was lifted from off my shoulders. I learned that I was pronounced dead and was resuscitated. I was placed upon medication for pain. People asked me why I did it. I replied with the truth. I don't know. Thanks for taking your time to read my story. It was a little long, but I appreciate it. It's always nice to know I have someone to talk to. JJ July 16th, 2011 Hey guys, Jayce here! Wow, what a weird few weeks it's been. I just don't feel the same after everything that's happened. You're all probably wondering how I feel so great, but it's probably the pain killers, aha. They're making me woozy. Anyway, I know I've not been on in a while, so I'm sure everyone will take the opportunity to catch up with me soon and I'll tell you everything. I'm sorry I did, or at least tried to do what I did. I'm sure you all understand. Sometimes you just feel like you don't have a choice, you know? Anyway, I'm sure I'll get a chance to talk to you all properly soon, I don't want to go into too much detail. TTYL! JJ November 29th, 2011 Let me preface this story by saying I have been quite ill as of late. Nothing too life-threatening, but I have been taking pain medication to the state where I have been drifting in and out of consciousness for hours on end, unsure of what is truly real and what is a fantasy. This has continued for weeks now - I am due an operation in January, but until then I have to cope with the pain, and when I am in not in pain, the bad dreams. The hallucinations. I hate to say it, but sometimes I imagine myself dying in cruel ways. I go to drink water at my bedside, only to find it is burning acid pouring down my throat and through my stomach. I don't even always awake from hallucinations like these, only slipping further into this fantasy of pain. I become afraid. A shadow leers over my shoulder and breathes down my back. It watches me sleep. I awaken and find out that I have completed things I set out to do in my dreams, and sometimes I am sure I have dreamed I did something, only to awake and find out I actually did. I sit and wonder how long it will take until I dream I jump out of a window or drown in the bathtub. I have considered seeking help with my ailments, but no-one wishes to listen to me. I have little family and friends, and those that are there would not be concerned in the least with my problems. What are my problems, you ask? Let me continue. An energy. It seems as if there is a negative energy that looms over me. I am unsure whether I am being... haunted by a spirit, or whether I am accomplishing this in my own addled state. I have stopped taking the pain medication for now and I am fighting through the pain.... I managed to sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon. When I woke up, I found a link to this. What is this? It almost looks like my house, but I am not sure. Did I film this? I also received a password for, it looks like, some kind of forum. Me and a friend have set it up and adjusted a few things, but - What is this Fear Incarnate? Is it.... me? Or is it something else? I... Found this when I woke up this morning. Who filmed this? Was it me? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2t8jAaERFt8 December 7th, 2011 And so the feeling has almost returned fully. That fear. That looming Darkness over me. That hand on my shoulder. The buzzing in my ear. Why has it returned? Have I not already paid the price? It has what it wants, why is it coming back for more? I see it now, fully. It almost seems as if it has a physical form, a shadow in front of me. It laughs and states my true name. It brings a shiver down my spine to hear him say it. He looks at me with his blood-red eyes. I curl up into a ball and start crying. "Why? Why have you forsaken me?" I ask. "Because you must bear witness", he replies. "You must bear witness to the rebirth of a God. This is not the first time. But it shall be the last." And thus he walked over to where I was lying. As if it was out of my own will, I stood up. I stood next to him as he placed his hand on my shoulder. We seemed to form a bond together as his existence seeped into me, like I was being dipped underwater. The pain was dulled, than disappeared completely, as did my other senses. Everything I was feeling or had ever felt started to disappear. Everything I could see or hear became a haze. I awoke in a cold sweat. Was it a dream? I look at my hand. Blood. JJ July7thDiary3.png July7thDiary2.png July7thDiary.png July3rdDiary.png July16thDiary.png Category:Characters